Do you enjoy the sex you are having?
- Meital Bendet, Psy.D.
- Aug 1
- 5 min read
A primary reason couples seek therapy is a discrepancy in desire. Desire and passion play a central role in cultural narratives about sexuality, often portrayed as the ultimate markers of a healthy sex life. But as I described here, most couples regularly experience differences in their sexual desire, as well as fluctuations in desire over the course of the relationship and across the partners' lifespan.
Desire can be slippery. And what if we have been misled this whole time, and sexual desire is not even a great measure of sexual compatibility and satisfaction. World-renowned researcher and sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski suggests that what matters far more than how often you want sex—or how frequently you have it—is the experience itself. The pleasure, the connection, the way it feels for you and your partner.
In this post I propose that starting to ask each meaningful questions about the quality of a sexual experience is more productive than focusing on how much each partner desires sex, or how frequently it happens.
But first, let's understand the difference between pleasure and desire.
Wanting Vs. Enjoying
Desire is about wanting. While desire is often seen as a driving force, it can also lead to frustration and stress, especially when what we want feels out of reach. At the same time, the absence of active desire doesn’t necessarily mean the absence of pleasure. We can enjoy experiences without having longed for them beforehand.
Consider this: You walk into your office and find a bowl of chocolate on your desk. You didn’t crave it, ask for it, or anticipate it—yet as you unwrap a piece and the scent of chocolate reaches you, you may take great pleasure in the experience. Desire wasn’t necessary for enjoyment.
Pleasure, unlike desire, is about being fully present in an experience. It’s about tuning into the sensations that bring your body to life—a feeling worth showing up for.
What feels pleasurable? That can be hard to pin down.
A physical sensation—like a gentle tingling—might feel playful, intimate, or even arousing in the right moment, with the right partner. Yet, the same sensation could be unsettling, even painful, if the timing, setting, or person isn't right.
Pleasure requires the right conditions—mentally, emotionally, and physically. In other words, your partner may be the perfect match in so many ways—someone you find attractive, cherished, and deeply connected to—yet your sexual experiences together may feel stuck, or even fade, when the conditions aren’t in your favor.
In order to have a satisfying sexual relationship, couples need to focus on co-creating conditions that would make sexual pleasure easy.
Two Parts of accessing sexual pleasure ✌️
Understanding the brain mechanism that controls your and your partner's sexual response can help you co-create the conditions that would make sexual pleasure easy for both of you. Luckily, this is a rather simple brain mechanism. It is called The Dual Control Model, and it's comprised of two independent systems:
The Sexual Excitation System (SES), and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS)— which Emily Nagoski calls the Accelerator and the Brake.
The accelerator notices all the sexy things in the environment and sends your brain the signal that says, “Turn on!” Simultaneously, the brake notices all the very good reasons not to be turned on right now and sends a signal that says, “Turn off!” In order for someone to be open to a sexual experience, they need the balance between Ons and Offs to be in favor of their accelerator. For example:
TURN ON Showered, feeling good in my own body
TURN ON Spent quality time together, feeling connected
TURN ON Being kissed slowly
TURN OFF Mother in law next-door and the bed is squeaking
Understanding your own and your partner’s unique turn-ons and turn-offs is key to a fulfilling sexual connection. After all, what feels sexy to one person may not feel the same to another.
Toggle switch Vs Dimmer switch
Feeling "turned on" or feeling sexual desire doesn’t look the same for everyone. For some, a single sexy thought or image is enough to spark arousal, and just like that, desire emerges. If they don’t have strong internal ‘brakes’ slowing them down, their desire would surface quickly and effortlessly. This is known as spontaneous desire—it seems to arise out of nowhere.
For others, desire builds more gradually. They need the right context, intentional stimulation, and time for arousal to take shape— maybe an evening of playful flirting, teasing at a party, and stolen kisses at stoplights on the drive home before they fully cross into desire. This is known as responsive desire, where curiosity comes first, opening the door to pleasurable experiences that spark arousal. And as they lean into that curiosity and savor the sensations of arousal, desire naturally follows, paving the way for wanting more.
Both spontaneous and responsive desire are completely normal. In fact, most people experience a mix of both at different times in their lives. Recognizing these differences—not just in yourself but in your partner—can foster greater understanding, connection, and fulfillment in your intimate life.
Turning on the "Ons" and turning off the "Offs"
There is often a strong emphasis on the former: Spice it up! Add more stimulation! Try something new! A new sexual position, a new toy, exploring new fantasies. While these can be fun and exciting, for most couples, the issue isn’t a lack of turn-ons—it is unresolved turn-offs.
What are some common turn-offs?
Exhaustion and stress
Relationship conflict
Performance anxiety
Fear of rejection
Negative body image
A non-ideal environment
Medication side effects
History of sexual trauma
Open and honest communication between partners can make a huge difference in working through ALL of these challenges. When partners begin to resolve some of the conflict between them and foster a deeper and more honest connection, they make it possible to address other turn offs together.
If your communication around sex has become it's own struggle, you may find this post useful: When Sex Turns into Stress - and How to Fix It.
Pleasure is the measure
Here are 4 things you can try to implement in your relationship in order to have a more fulfilling sexual life:
Instead of expecting your desire to appear out of nowhere, cultivate openness and curiosity and see what may emerge
Instead of wondering, "does my partner want to have sex," explore together what pleasurable sensations, thoughts or experiences make their body come alive?
Follow the sensations of pleasure. Experiment with different types of touch—energetic, affectionate, sexual, and erotic—and notice what feels good in the moment. What makes your body wake up?
When your "brake" (the Sexual Inhibition System) spots a reason to turn-off: Don't take it personally. There may be a small adjustment you can make that could resolve that easily. Or, this may be an opportunity to learn more about your sexual responses that gives you direction for the future.
Finally, if your sexual desire works more like a dimmer switch, or you have found that stress, mood, trust, and body image can greatly influence your sexual experience— I highly recommend Emily Nagoski's book: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. It will help you feel normal. And, it is all backed up by science. I also heard from partners who found it incredibly helpful as a way to connect with each other and have a new shared language to use when exploring their sexual connection.
Her new book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections is also wonderful, and will give a lot of hope and practical advice to any couple looking to improve their sex life.