When sex turns into stress - and how to fix it

Research found that 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner desires sexual intimacy while the other is uninterested (Day, Muise, Joel, & Impett, 2015). Many couples notice a shift in their sexual dynamics as their emotional bond deepens, and they transition from initial attraction and euphoria to deeper connection and commitment. Shifts and fluctuations in one's sexual desire also happen naturally over the lifespan. For example, when becoming parents, with aging, menopause, and as a result of shifts in body image.

I believe this means that in order to enjoy a prolonged, satisfying sexual connection, couples must learn to navigate the shifts and differences that they will inevitably encounter. Unfortunately, when couples try to address fluctuations and discrepancy in desire directly, it often backfires, and can leave them feeling like something is wrong with them or their relationship.

In this post I describe how focusing on sexual desire and frequency often leads to the least sexy places: Shame, blame, guilt, and resentment, which in turn leads to having less and worse sexual connection. I will also suggest 3 steps to restoring emotional and sexual intimacy.

50 shades of disconnection

Underneath an unmet desire for sex, one can start to have greater and greater concerns for the relationship (I didn't sign up for a sexless marriage!) and concerns for their self-esteem (Do you still want me? Am I attractive to you?). As doubts and worries increase, it can lead to difficult dynamics in the relationship:

• Blaming and shaming one another ("All you think about is sex! It's never enough!" and "You are never in the mood!") often lead to resentment and tension, which tend to turn-off romantic and sexual desire

  
  

• Withdrawing sexually and avoiding closeness for fear of rejection can send a false signal that one is not interested in intimacy, which can be incredibly distressing for the other partner. As a result, both partners end up feeling unwanted and disconnected

  
  

• Obligatory sex can start as a short-term solution for discrepancy in desire, that overtime leads to resentment, anxiety, and decreased intimacy within the relationship. It typically leaves both partners dissatisfied with their sexual connection. And when it takes the place of a genuine and authentic sexual connection, it can further erode the trust and security in the relationship.

Learning how to talk about it

The first step in restoring sexual connection, is to recognize it once your communication about sex has turned into its own challenge. In this case, finding a way to become a team, as apposed to feeling like adversaries, would give you a better chance at meeting each other's emotional AND sexual needs.

Here are the 3 steps to start your collaboration:

1. Remember that this is common and normal, especially for couples in committed relationships. Stress and insecurity can build up underneath an unmet desire for sex. And, just like it can accumulate over time, with the right help and attention it can also be resolved.

2. Begin to recognize your negative cycle: If you find yourself blaming, feeling distant, or mistrustful of your emotional and sexual connection - it is important to become aware of your own actions and how they impact your partner. For instance: You may become aware that when you feel sexually rejected you get irritable with your partner, or maybe you withdraw from them emotionally. This can be frustrating or distressing to your partner, and they might struggle to be intimate as a result.

   
   

3. Share your struggle with your partner: Hearing about each other's struggles and attempts to resolve it can begin to create emotional closeness and a sense of being "in it together."
   

   Try NOT to focus on the solution (which, of course, is "to have more sex" - if you are the partner with higher desire, and "to stop asking for sex" - if you are the partner with lower desire). Instead, try to talk from your heart about your own experience: What's it like for you to be the one with higher sexual desire and hear your partner say 'no' over and over again, and never bring sex up unless you do. And, what's it like be the one with lower sexual desire and know that your partner, the person you love, is frequently disappointed by your lower desire for sex. Try to tell each other about the worries and insecurities that show up for you, and the ways that you have tried to address it, even if wasn't successful and maybe even backfired.

If you wish to learn more about how to get unstuck (and beyond!) in your sex life, I really like Foreplay podcast by George Feller and Dr Laurie Watson. One day I will compile a playlist of my favorite episodes from this show. But this one is a great start: 4 Ways Anxiety Kills Your Sex Life and How to Stop It.

Good luck!